What’s my deal?

When anger seems to sneak up on you.

Often, expectations can make or break you. Or at least that has been my experience.

Recently I noticed my easy-going personality leaning more toward a propensity for frustration in spite of circumstances not being overly frustrating. Simple things that I had previously taken in stride - like another load of laundry, a slightly ill-timed phone call, or figuring out the next meal for our crew – seemed less like overwhelm and more like anger. Angry that the kids were hungry…again. Angry that I couldn’t wake up early enough to get ahead. Angry that I was angry. Just angry.

As you can imagine, this led to a less-than-happy environment for myself and those around me. After a few days of trying to get myself together, straighten up and tough through it, I went where I do my best thinking – on a walk, outside and alone. After a few deep breaths and some pointed thank you’s for the sun, birds, air and such, I began to think – pray really – out loud (yeah, I’m the crazy lady that walks around talking to herself, so there’s that…). Removed from the chaos it wasn’t long before a thought struck my heart, “Is forgiveness the root of the problem?”

Forgiveness? That seemed crazy at first because most of my anger seemed to be directed at normal, everyday things. Not wrongs or hurts in particular. It certainly was not directed at any person that had caused pain or trouble. So, forgiveness seemed an unlikely issue. Yet, the thought lingered.

A wise teacher once noted that anger is often the symptom of a forgiveness problem.

As I continued to walk and think, it was clear that anger was my issue at hand – the symptom if you will. So that meant a need for determining who or what I needed to forgive. I recalled that forgiveness is a choice I make for my own freedom, instead of something requested by others. So, what did I need to choose to forgive? Several steps later, the answer became clear – me.

I needed to forgive myself.

This may make me sound crazy or it may be completely relatable. Either way, it was true. You see, my mind, body and heart have been through a lot of ups and downs over the past 8 years. Lack of rest from a demanding job and growing family along with several moves had resulted in me making decisions -specifically health decisions – that were less than what I had expected of myself. Deep down, in my day-to-day struggle I was angry and even bitter toward myself for not making better decisions along the way. Decisions that I thought would have made these daily struggles more manageable. I was lashing out in anger toward those I loved most because, in truth, I had not met my own expectations and in turn felt like I was failing at life. Have you been there? Maybe you are there right now.

It may sound simplistic, but once I realized my unmet expectations had been twisted in my mind into a failure worthy of punishment, it was easy to see that I was inadvertently punishing and shaming myself for not meeting that ideal. Those internal scoldings were shaping my view of my entire world. In that moment, I agreed I was in error. Then I said to myself (out lout of course), “I forgive you for the wrong choices and for the choices made out of necessity that have landed me here today. I forgive you and it’s time to let go of the bitterness you’re letting grow inside.”

In my case, anger was like a visible plant on the surface rooted in bitterness that grew from the seed of unforgiveness.

Therefore, truly removing the plant had to start where it all began. Forgiving myself. It is an ongoing process. I still get frustrated about where my previous decisions have landed me in some regards, but instead of letting that fester, I acknowledge my mistakes, speak thankfulness over the wonderful things in my life and determine to focus on the good choices I can make today. It doesn’t magically fix everything, but it sure helps paint each day in a better light!

How about you? Do you struggle with feeling frustrated or angry, but can’t really put your finger on exactly why? Take a few moments to yourself. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but that’s ok. As things and people come to mind, consider if a heart of forgiveness would free you from further allowing bitterness (and therefore anger) to take hold.

written by Kelli Keller

If you find it would be helpful to have another view point and someone to safely walk this journey with, check out our local reps to find someone that would gladly help you out.